Taking Chances, One Step at a Time

Years of teasing in elementary school, middle school and even high school had left me awkward, self-conscious and depressed. I had built such a shell around myself — people avoided me and I avoided them. Over time I began to see the other kids as horrible social climbers who refused to talk to me because I was too far below their social status. Because of my lack of social contact I began to view the whole world negatively. I thought everyone was stupid and close-minded, and blamed them for my social problems. But in time, I came to realize that it was not my peers' or anyone else’s fault that the world was horrible. It was mine.

In elementary school, kids mocked me for being good at math, acting quirky and having messy hair. And they excluded me from games at recess. The teachers even criticized me for my behavior and sent me for psychological counseling. I didn't feel that there was anything wrong with me at that time, and continued to behave "in my own way." I would flap and dance around in class when I drew a good picture. I made strange cartoons. I talked back to teachers when I felt they did something wrong, and I talked back to kids when they bothered me, but for the most part, I was happy in my own world, and in the bigger one as well.

In middle school, my peers continued to tease and exclude me, but their games now influenced how I felt about myself. Middle school literally had three castes of girls: popular, semi-popular and unpopular, and I, of course, was part of the unpopular caste. Each caste had its own lunch table, and only members of that caste could sit there. I yearned for the acceptance I never had, so I tried to become popular by sitting at the popular table and standing in the popular talking circles. Of course I failed, and the failure further eroded my self-confidence.

High school was only a little different. The kids were more tactful in avoiding me. Rather than having an exclusive lunch table, they would politely decline my offers to socialize with them and slowly inch away from me when I talked to them. By their actions, I was convinced that I was inferior to them in both looks and personality. I became afraid that anyone who didn't show obvious interest in me was intentionally avoiding me.

As an outsider, I began to make generalizations about the kids. I’d think, "They are all a stupid, snobby, overachieving bunch." I refused to get to know them individually. And I used the logic "if these kids are ridiculous, then the whole world must be ridiculous, too."

Depressed and critical of both high school and the world, I thought that the only way to become accepted was to make myself physically beautiful and well versed in all social graces. However, I refused to take care of my appearance and refused to follow social norms, because doing so was against my morals.

I tried taking the advice that my older sister had told me. "Confidence comes not from others but from within yourself," she’d said. But the opinions of others made me feel bad about myself.

I had even tried self-help methods and attempted to change my attitude to gain self-confidence, but these methods did nothing but give temporary change to my mindset.

What finally worked was my taking risks. The school and the other kids had isolated me so much that I realized I had nothing to lose socially. Because of this, I began standing up for myself when kids excluded me, and I began speaking up for political causes. I continued to question authority, and I continued to question society, but now I made my views clear.

I created a social commentary about the atmosphere of the high school and society in general. And I distributed it at school. Although many people deemed the cartoon "offensive," "stupid" and "pointless," a few conventional kids approached me to compliment me for it. I thought, "What, normal kids like my eccentric views?" It was at that point that I realized that every student was multi-faceted. They were not simply brainless social climbers, and, to me, there was no longer a "regular" and a "weird". My faith in people was restored and I began to see things in my life more realistically.

I began to trust people enough that I could handle a boyfriend. I accepted that some people would always see me as weird, but I didn't care. I have come to realize that, although appearance is overemphasized in American society, it was important for me to look good and to feel good about myself. And, I realized that there was nothing wrong with putting effort into my appearance. I became more honest with myself, and I realized I could fail and be flawed, but still feel good about myself. This attitude led me to take more risks in all areas of my life. Sometimes I failed, but the times I was successful more than made up for the failures.

Even more important than my own personal triumphs, however, was how my view of the world changed with my newfound confidence. Now that I am comfortable with myself, I no longer need acceptance from everyone, and I feel happier about everything, including the world.

The way some people saw me hasn't changed significantly over time, but what has changed is how I view my peers and society in general. There are always going to be people who will ostracize me, people who will reject me, people who, for no reason, will spit in my face and walk away. There will, however, be those who understand my point of view and like who I am.

People often feel bad for me when they hear about my experiences. Yes, I did have a harder time gaining my self-confidence compared to others, but going through so much hardship I feel was well worth it. I’ve come to understand that there is nothing wrong with being eccentric or having unconventional ideas. I understand how it feels to be self-conscious, and how it feels to be teased. I know that there are many other teenagers who can relate to my experiences, and there are many adults who feed them blanket statements like "be yourself, just do your best." But, as one teenager speaking to another, I have slightly different advice — “be honest with yourself.”

Anna A., 16
Newton, Massachusetts

* Reprinted from Positive Teens Magazine Volume 6 Issue 5, Sept/Oct 2004

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